The Loon Star State

Now that the takeover of rural west Texas is unfolding, it is only a matter of time before the rest of the country surrenders. Resistance is futile. We should all just shut up and enjoy it. Forgive my haste. I have to type this entry in a hurry though, as I am due in my sealed underground bunker by nightfall or my handful of teenage brides will lock the door without me.

The military training operation known as “Jade Helm 15,” named ostensibly after a male or female porn star, is already in full swing. When the military announced the plan to run conflict simulations in some of the more deserted areas of the country–including parts of Texas, Louisiana, Arizona, and Mississippi–some of the fringe element of Texas saw right through the flimsy trick. Immediately there were rumors that the perceived training exercises were actually the start of a complete takeover of a town that is not even listed on a map of the United States. Christoval, Texas. Because as everybody knows, the easiest way to attack somebody by surprise is to let them know months in advance.

Renown for its extremely valuable scrub brush, dirt, rusty pickups and bleached cattle bones, Christoval saw the writing on the wall. Obama is coming for your guns, bibles, and beer, and not necessarily in that order. While guns and bibles are easier to stumble over than tumbleweed, citizens fear disruption of the beer supply could cause a massive and unconditional surrender. There was talk that the local Wal-Mart store was going to be seized by guerilla units and used as an internment camp. Only a matter of time before the old Stars and Stripes is flying high over Christoval, a grim symbol of an all out assault on personal freedom.

“There’s already a re-education camp yonder,” one resident said.

“That’s always been there. It’s called a school,” explained an army representative.

West Texas can rest assured. Most hardcore military types probably dislike Obama as much as west Texas does, and so they aren’t very likely to follow an order instructing them to invade their own country. Even so, members of the Texas National Guard have been monitoring the military activities, because there is no better safeguard from highly trained Green Berets and Navy Seals than a retired sheriff and his drinking buddies in an old pickup truck looking through some binoculars.

I’m all for conspiracy theories. They keep life interesting. In fact the alien that lives in my basement and I de-fluoridate our tap water while watching old footage of Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin romping around that Nevada soundstage in their “space” suits. It’s fun. The best part about conspiracy theories is that they are impossible to disprove. The clear absence of serious evidence only supports the deceptive nature of the issue. It’s like a soap opera plot. No matter how implausible, it can go on for decades. I wish everything in my life ran like that. I’d have renewable energy for like fifty years. No more gas bill. No more electric bill. Just my own personal power plant run entirely on bullshit.

And as for rounding people up and “detaining” them in Wal-Mart shopping centers, there is an easier way to do that without guns and intimidation. Just put a “Clearance Sale” sign in the window and you’ve got your voluntary incarceration. The whole town will be trampling each other to get inside. “Person who shops the longest gets a free pair of sweat pants and some cheap cosmetics.” People will be shuffling out of the place five years from now looking like Rip Van Winkle.

*

It is only natural for people to be concerned about their safety. What with the Iran nuclear deal and the opening of diplomatic ties with Cuba, it seems like everything is going to pot. Hell, last month Godzilla was granted citizenship in Japan and given the rather respectable title of Tourism Ambassador. Honest. I read it in Time magazine and on the BBC. Christoval, Texas really has something to worry about now. What happens when the illegal immigrants in America start watching old Godzilla movies and realize the best path to citizenship is to lumber through major cities, breathing fire, swatting at planes and crushing buildings? Forget it. I’m going underground. More Alembics to come

This entry is dedicated to E.L. Doctorow 1931-2015

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