From March 20th, 2013
Note from the Blog Custodian: Since “paddytheduke”, the normal blog contributor, is away on some type of domestic intervention, he has given his full blessing for the ensuing post. Mr. Johnny Americana, a heartsick old friend of “paddytheduke’s,” has requested the use of this platform to state his intentions to a woman he has recently become enamored with. Mr. Americana, while pure of purpose and honorable of motive has always had the somewhat debilitating deficiency of being obsessed with image while paying no real attention to context. We fear further, that he is not alone, that it may be a common problem, somewhat generational. Mr. Americana’s letter is posted as a courtesy and we wish him the best of luck. Take it away, Mr. Americana.
An open letter to Jodi Arias from Johnny Americana.
Dear Ms. Arias,
May I call you Jodi? I’ve been watching you on television these past few weeks and I have to say that you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I mean, ever. Usually when I see you it’s in a courtroom but I think I’ve also seen you at the Palisade Mall. Aren’t you the bartender at that place where all the women dress as bagpipers? I thought so. I see you’ve had some trouble recently. Usually when you aren’t at the bagpiper bar you’re in a courtroom. I got a drunk and disorderly once but I didn’t do it either. Is that what you are dealing with too? I can’t decide whether I like you better as a blonde, or a brunette, Jodi, Ms. Arias, or Jodi. I’m sorry I feel like I know you so well already. Some people tell me I put my heart on the line too easily and that when I do it’s easy for women to chop it to pieces. You wouldn’t do that, would you Jodi? I can tell a beautiful, honest, good soul when I see one. I have to admit I’m feeling a little jealous when I see you on television all the time because you are getting all this attention. There are probably tons of guys sending you letters and flowers and other gifts but I just wanted to confess what I’m feeling. A lot of people think it isn’t good to confess. They think you should just keep playing games and try to hide your true self so you don’t get hurt but I don’t believe in that and I can tell that you don’t either. I think we have a special connection. Our initials are the same, for starters. I see that you like photography, too. I love photography. I think my pictures are good but I’m always second-guessing myself. Have you ever taken a picture of something and wished you hadn’t? I guess we are our own worst critics. I hear you are a Mormon. I’m not at the moment but once I met this guy Warren and he told me all these great things about getting married when you are a Mormon. At least it was great if you are the man, he said, but to me it sounded like it would be great if you are the woman because you have some other women to talk to while your husband is off doing stuff you aren’t allowed to know about. I think his name was Warren. Maybe it was Jeff. It was either Warren or Jeff but he was a right hard baller with a stable of Amish women. At least I think they were Amish. He said that the cops were trying to fuck with him too but that’s the way it goes sometimes.
It just dawned on me that you might have boyfriend? Do you? Oh God please say you don’t. I would just die if you did. That would be embarrassing. Well, even if you do we could get to know each other on a friend level first. Then, eventually, I think you could love me the way you loved him, maybe even more. I see that you are in court again. Everyday I watch you on television while I’m working on my car. We have a television in the garage. The sound doesn’t work but we have a radio that plays classic rock so we don’t need the sound. My uncle likes you too. He says that good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere. He says it’s his favorite bumper sticker, although he doesn’t have it on his truck, oddly enough. He’s got a pair of chrome bull testicles hanging from below the license plate, though. He collects antique daggers from World War II. I could show you them sometime when you get done with this whole court thing. Do you have a favorite bumper sticker, Jodi? Jodi Girl? Jodi Baby? Do you like Bob Seger? Jodi Girl is my favorite Bob Seger song and when I hear it I think of you. I like you with glasses. But maybe blonde and glasses would be really sexy. I was watching you in court the other day and the caption on the television screen said something about An*l sex. I just couldn’t help but wonder what the star in between the ‘n’ and the ‘l’ stood for? I started substituting letters and most of them didn’t make any sense. One did, though, and if it is the right letter then I think we’ll get along re*lly, re*lly well. My uncle’s collection of antique knives is worth a lot of money. Do you like knives? I watched this black and white movie the other day but I got bored because it wasn’t in color. I only started watching it because the woman in the movie looked like you. It was called “The Parradine Case” or something and she was beautiful like you and she was in a courtroom. She had a boyfriend in the movie that looked a lot like me and I thought that was funny too. Do you believe in omens? How about fate? I’m going to pray tonight to Joseph Smith that you get done with this court thing soon. I don’t know anything about Joseph Smith but someone told me he freed the Mormons with a pair of x-ray glasses.
I saw something yesterday about your boyfriend. I guess he passed away. I’m sorry to hear that. Did he have cancer? My grandmother had cancer and she suffered for a year before she passed away. Hopefully your boyfriend didn’t suffer. Honest when I prayed for you I didn’t ask anything bad to happen to your boyfriend, so I hope you don’t think I’m somehow responsible. Are you working at the bagpiper bar this week? I’ve been thinking about stopping by but I’m too nervous. That’s why I figured I’d write you this letter. It’s easier to be honest about my feelings and honestly this is what I feel. Life is short and anything can happen. We could meet, fall in love, get married and then we could be sleeping in bed, nestled in each other’s arms and thugs could break in and kill us for no reason at all. What I’m saying is, the world is strange and unpredictable and people are jealous when they see people happy together. You don’t seem like the jealous type. I would do anything to protect you. If somebody broke into our house and tried to harm you I’d shoot them dead for you. Would you do the same for me? I know you probably don’t like guns but I’ve got a Makarov that’s real easy to use. My uncle gave it to me along with a Luftwaffe sword that could really turn somebody’s lights out if they were threatening you.
I feel like I’m babbling. This is what I’m reduced to. I hope you get done with your court stuff soon so maybe we can go out on a date. I know a real nice place that has all you can eat. I know you are probably meeting a lot of really important people right now, big time lawyers and doctors and stuff, but I’m waiting for this guy to call me about this job. I feel really good about it. It’s not so much a job as a business opportunity. I can work from anywhere. I’m going to be my own boss so we can live wherever you want. I’ll be watching and hoping that everything works out for you. Until then I remain ever faithful.
P.S. You are way better looking than Casey Anthony and she was released in no time. If you happen to run into her and she mentions that I wrote her a letter professing my love for her, she’s lying. Not that it would come up but if it does, don’t believe her. She’s lying. You know how I can prove she’s lying? Because she was found guilty of perjury. That means the bitch is lying.